My Fellow Citizens:
It pains me to be here tonight, facing my constituents, with my beautiful family by my side, but I need to say something.
I am sorry I got caught. So sorry. You have no idea how sorry I am that my indiscretions were discovered. I am truly, truly sorry that you all found out about it. If fills me with such regret to know that you have now learned what a gigantic, hypocritical, corrupt douchebag I truly am.
That is what pains me the most. To know that I have been exposed, that you now have definitive proof that I am the corrupt, bloated gasbag many of you have accused me of being.
When I embezzled that money from the orphanage, it never crossed my mind that you, the press, and the authorities would find out.
When I first heard rumblings of this in the press, my first thought was “This? This is what I am being accused of? Who cares? I have done many other worse things more egregious and criminal than this mole hill of nothing.”
Then I stopped myself. I thought of the body parts buried in the quarry, the pre-schoolers prostitute ring, and all the times I sold weed disguised as a nun. I realized that if I wasn’t careful, it ALL could come out.
I think that, more than anything, has really cut through the noise for me. Realizing that this merely scratches the surface of my corruption, shady dealings, and out and out thuggery really brought it home that I needed to change.
So I make this promise to you. Going forward, I will do everything I can to prevent you from learning more about my crimes. There is no record I won’t shred, no e-mail I won’t wipe, and no low level criminal that I won’t threaten, or even kill to prevent the good citizens of this country from knowing all the nefarious deeds I am committing while pretending to serve the public good.
I assure the people of this country that I will not rest until ALL of my indiscretions are properly covered up so you won’t be bothered by such nasty allegations anymore.
God Bless you all.